Beth's Connection

My thoughts

Today’s post is just me talking about my morning and my life.

If you didn’t know I work at Starbucks and I like the work I just don’t really like the people. Like if there were only nice people and supportive people involved I would feel differently. I can’t wait to get out of college and make money!! I’m so tired of working fast food.

Retail isn’t much better though. Customers are still rude. I just want to be given a task and get it done in my own. I don’t like it when so many people are relying on me. It makes me nervous.

Today was especially awful because during rush they always put me up front. I understand that bar is too overwhelming during peak, but why not drive thru. And they had no problem throwing me in warming during peak. I feel like one manager in particular doubts my ability to do certain jobs because the head manager has said something to her.

Either way it shouldn’t matter. I need to give myself some homework and feel free to do it with me! The assignment is when things get overwhelming try and figure out some really good grounding strategies that you can do in public.

Thank you guys for reading my drama! As always I love y’all! ❤️🌻

Therapy

I just restarted therapy. It’s scary. I have to open up to a stranger the only different between him and regular strangers is he has a degree.

Here’s why this scares me. I’ve been hurt a lot by strangers. I’m way too trusting when it comes to people. Trusting someone to have the authority to diagnose me with mental illnesses and me believe them is hard for me.

I’m normal to me. Everyone else is weird. But that’s not reality. Reality is everyone is different and deserves to be heard. Therapy is a good way to get your emotions out.

What scares me the most about therapy is being vulnerable. I don’t like being vulnerable because that’s when people take advantage. Of course I’m paying him to be nice to me.

Comment below how you feel about therapy. Have you ever been? I’d love to hear some input from you guys

As always I love y’all and thank you for reading ❤️🌻

-beth

Accountability follow up

According to mind tools in order to become more accountable for your self you have to be honest with yourself and others and admit when you’re wrong.

That isn’t always easy to do especially when what you did was really bad. for me I blame everyone for things I say and do. It may be from my attacker not taking responsibility for his actions, but I’m older now and I need to grow and move on.

Moving on is a big part of taking accountability. You have acknowledged your wrong doing and now you move on. Don’t continue to beat yourself up. It only will cause more self doubt and pain in the long run.

Over all I’ve learned that accountability is important to have because in order for people to trust your actions are genuine you need to be accountable for them.

Thank you guys for reading I love y’all ❤️🌻

-beth

Accountability

This topic is the one Of the harder topic to talk about. I’m not good at holding myself accountable for the things I do. if I do something wrong I need to hold myself accountable and work towards making it better. Now taking accountability isn’t the only thing that needs to be changed in my life. I feel like I’m not good at it because I was never really taught what it looked like. In school were told that telling the truth was the best option but when you did it usually hurt more than lying.

My attacker didn’t take accountability up until a few months ago. It was really something I needed to help me in my journey of growing and learning.

Accountability is a big step in being a good human. Being able to do something wrong or right and say yes I did that takes some real balls. I love people that are upfront and honest and I try to be but sometimes it comes off as mean.

This week I want to learn about some good ways to take accountability for my actions and ways that I can be proud of the actions I do so when I do take accountability I don’t feel guilty.

Thank you guys for reading! I love y’all! ❤️

-beth

Follow up

Last post I said I wanted to learn some ways to cope and get rid of my nasty apologizing habit. A few searches on google and I found a list.

According to Katherine Hurst this is how you stop apologizing so much.

Step 1: pause before you apologizing. Instead of automatically saying sorry sir and think about why you’re sorry and if those are true feelings or not. If an apology is needed then continue to apologize other wise go to step 2

Step 2: expressing compassion differently. When someone dies instead of saying I’m sorry say I know that’s difficult how can I help you through this. Of course that’s way easier said than done.

Step 3. Find what triggers you the most. Like for me when anything around me goes wrong I apologize. My trigger is bad feelings. How I can change that is realizing that it isn’t my fault so instead of saying I’m sorry help.

Step 4: don’t apologize when you need explanations. I know I am so bad at this because I feel like I burden them with my questions. Instead of automatically apologizing go with could you give more details? You and your words are important don’t apologize for needing more help.

Finally step 5: turn apologies into gratitude. Instead of saying I’m sorry I couldn’t come to your party instead say I’m so grateful for the amazing family time I spent it was relaxing and just what I needed. when you flip the mindset the attitude changes with it.

Alright in conclusion I’ve learned that I shouldn’t be sorry for any and everything bad that happens around me, but I know I feel bad when inconveniences happen. I need to use these tools! Thank you guys for reading! I love y’all ❤️.

-beth

Self hate

This is apart of my trauma.. self hatred. Feeling like I want to die. Not feeling worthy enough. I went on a bike ride and fell into the road but wasn’t helped by the person I was riding with… this made me feel unimportant and unneeded by this person.

When I feel like this it makes me cry because I feel like I want to die, but I remember all the people that I’m living for.

I’m feeling my feelings, but am I feeling them too much?

Learning

I’ve learned that certain things I do as an adult are from trauma. I’ve been trying to learn more about trauma based responses.

One thing I do that is completely trauma based is apologizing for things that aren’t even my fault. For instance you drop your phone I apologize for you dropping your phone. It sounds ridiculous I know, but growing up in a household with little to no money and an abusive brother you learn to apologize for things.

Anyways, I’m catching myself doing it. Like at work I’ll apologize for someone spilling their own drink. It’s a habit I need to stop.

My goal for today is to learn a way to cope when things go wrong and not to blame myself for them. It’s okay if something bad happens it’s life. My next post will be ways to help get out of the bad habit! I hope I’m not alone so I can help someone!!

Closing this never forget how amazing you guys are! ❤️ thank you for supporting me and my journey! I love y’all! ❤️🌻

-beth

My story

In order for you to truly understand the struggle and why it is such a big deal for me to heal you need to know my story. Here is your trigger warning. This has mentions of sexual abuse. I was 10 years old the first time my attacker touched me. I was told to shut up because when I was older I would enjoy what horrible things he was doing to me. 9 years ago. It still seems unreal to me! This happened for a while until he moved out at 17 and then I was finally free, kinda. The memory haunts me to this day. My poor fiancé has to deal with me crying and waking up in a panic here and there wondering if he is there waiting for me to open up and play a game. Once he moved I was able to suppress it for years until I finally cracked and ended up overdosing. I went to the hospital and came back to some amazing love and support. Since then I have been trying to heal and grow my self love. I’ve learned how to stand up for my self which is a result of being told as a kid my issues weren’t a big deal and to just “wait till you’re older”. I’m changing my relationship with food and the scale and learning my hunger cues. Getting healthy is the best thing I can do for myself right now ❤️

I know this post was long but if you’re still interested to hear how I grow and my journey then stay tuned because it is going to be a wild ride! ❤️

Hello, welcome!

Welcome! Take a seat and stay a while! This is my blog. My name is Bethany and I am a sexual assault survivor. I’m here to share my journey of healing and growth with all that care to read! Feel free to stay a while or you can just keep on with your day! Either way thank you ❤️